Crabbage Snatch Open
Find the Hidden Message!
28-Apr-2003
Dear Paul,
Why, if you mean at The Snatch I get the pants beat off me, that's a fair cop. I don't
think you know how much it hurts to suck at golf every year. My
long game is usually inconsistent. Fellow golfers dread my being on their foursome.
You can hear their gay laughter turn to sadness. Boy,
it's sad.
Dave
29-Apr-2003
Dave, Is there a subtext we need to look at here?
Dear Paul,
Why, if you mean at The Snatch I get the pants beat off
me, that's a fair cop. I don't think you know how much it hurts to suck at
golf every year. My long game is usually inconsistent. Fellow golfers dread
my being on their foursome. You can hear
their gay laughter turn to sadness. Boy,
it's sad.
Dave
Dave,
Dave, Dave?
It's for you, Dave.
Dave's not here,
Dave?
It's tough when Benner is helping us figure this one out.
What's that breathing sound. Oh, lurkers. Never mind.
29-Apr-2003
Don't worry about me and Paul, Benner. You know he loves a good banter.
You know that -as you like to drive up to the cabin with him. I'm sure of it
too that you engage in some deep conversation on the way up. Maybe you get into
metaphysics. Nobody should ever take it wrong when they are the butt his of
his jokes. Who else can marshall up such a loyal group of friends. Why Paul,
that's who. He is such a great guy. And don't forget what fun we have when he takes such a
huge turd at the Snatch!
Dave
30-Apr-2003
You know, Rich. For Dave, nothing beats some good natured banter, after a hard
day at the office. A lot of the guys don't really banter as often as you,
Dave and I. I would think everyone likes to get in some time with jabs, puns and witticisms. This keeps us from being button-holed
just by our antics at the Snatch. It's so important to keep our mental faculties stretched with
banter. By now, so many guys have just lurked, it must
kind of hurt their pride. I don't get it. For me, it's great fun to do
some bantering.
MS
30-Apr-2003
Poor Dave,Oh you know, it's sad, how his breathing quickens when he gets called
to the Principals office because he's recently been caught on dirty websites
at school, he's not used to it. Doggone it, don't they
value him; same grindall week.
You would think they can give him some slick award or
something, my lord, the sweat, you know, the
peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches in paper sacks for every kid in class,
and the bloodsucking parents, they don't know he
refuses to succumb to the out of control pressure of administrators who don't
want him to show great films like Yeller and The Sound of Music, helping kids
assimilate into society. What a pity.
30-Apr-2003
Dear Snatchers,
Isn't it amazing that such friends such as us can get together? I find it odd
that so many other Snatchers fail to join in such reverie. Marshall certainly
is a guy that helps keep us so close. Doesn't he enjoy when he talks
to his brother Evan? I'm sure that many times they have stayed up late at
the cabin and sucked down a few brews as they reminisce over their past with each
other. Maybe even Paul has enjoyed their conversations at night. Anyone can
get great vibes from their times in the kitchen. At least these
three will be some great friends forever.
You're surely waiting for the magic until October,
Paul!
Dave
1-May-2003
Ahh, yes, the cabin....it's so great to see the guys...posh it isn't, but it's
all good....from Dave's humor to Bobby's farts...and all the while, the
antics....Benner and his films, Paul, who gets grief for mudsharks left in the
head, from Hackett chopping wood to cooking with Evan's
cast iron skillet and Bojkovich is there
handling the big job, being Al's
caddy....and finally to Kerig who is
the butt of every fucking joke about Flamin' Texan Ale from Dave,
and somehow, someway, it always comes back to Dave, who can be great,
mostly retarded, pushing it to the limit, all one
and a half inches, and seeming entralled
too!.
1-May-2003
Marshall,
What an assett to the whole mortgage community you are! Why, when you
get home I bet your wife greets you as a hero- even though she is tired from
washing all the laundry. What joy to see you when you come home and you
take her out to one of your favorite restaurants dressed in your finest
clothes. Hey everybody, should have such a great home. It is great to offer
loans and get a head start on the future. I'm sure you love your
job of and you'll take all the credit for the finer points
of life right up to your classy company.
Dave
ps Fun eo check my e-mail when I get off
work!
2-May-2003
Cho doods,
Khaigoddis pren kunose Baingbee. Cheetohlme dat Baingbee lyketoo teller stories about heemselp. Wontyng Baingbee tohller
dat kee was playeeng widdis teengy ondacouch inpruntub Pucho and CHUI anday
watchEET an toash demselps atta saingtyng. DAt mayka Baingbee jellous
anGREENwiddenby. So Baingbee STAYNSup an grabba Pucho, anna Pucho grabba Chui,
anna Chui grabba Baingbee. Eetwas treewayporeplay. Denday all start smileen. Dis wennon porawile bud nutteen hapneen,
sodayhadtoohab mohrporeplay. So Chui leeked hees pingeranpoaktit IN Baingbee's buttoal. Baingbee
gotall essyted an grabda haredrier an chubitup PUCHO'S ass truheesCHORTS.
Chui gossoessyted datheassed PUCHOtoo tayk wonadose wheestles, chuno dakine kynnalyka trombohn widda
slydanall, anchubitup heesass. Den Baingbee plugginda haredrier anplipda sweechonhigh. Datgabe Pucho plenny hotair to
blohon Chui's wheestle, an Chui atartedkeepindabeet widdis pinger up Baingbee'sass. DayalGOSSOESSYTED
den. Daywasall playin' sungtoontogedder den but steel noteenup qwasapneen so Chui, joono khoweempatient
HEEis, gotapter heemselp again an Pucho an Baingbee toashed demselps an GLOBBEDON
eechudder. Purteesoon, der was pearlsallober dose leetle peenktohrpeedoes anDAPLOOR. AN denday
leeked eecCHUDDERS pingers lykkitwaz sungkinna deesertor tumteeng. An choonowat, Chui say to Pucho
"Ikanglib WIDDOUTchoo, EEBENdoItry togebbye jusby TOASHING
myselp. Nextyng qwaidonchootrya xylopone anwile Baingbee is getteen dalectriktootbrush eentoHEESass
Ijankchor TOHRPEEDO, Mang." Dohsaresung SICKmudderPUCK
erS, MANG.
10 May-2003
Snatchers,
Phil is really enjoying all the latest posts. Too bad there are a few
sheepish once who aren't banging out letters and getting into the
thick of it. The beer he will raise to us at the Snatch
makes me want to be there now. It is time to scrape
up your money! Expect an E-mail from him
announcing changes to the website- even if you don't give a fuck, you will make him happy
if you just log on...it's a great site, I'm sure you'll agree.
Dave
11 May-2003
May I begin?
For us, comraderie keeps us
youthful, Phil!
12 May-2003
Dear Ms. Phyllis Kerig,
Thank you for your interest in having a sex change operation at our internationally acclaimed facility, the
Bjoinksa-Wanker Clinic, here in Oslo.
Our chief surgeon and head of counseling, Dr. Stephanie Bjoinksa-Wanker, has carefully reviewed your application and the
photographs you provided. Unfortunately, we must respectfully turn down your application.
We agree with you that with your diminutive genitalia, it seems to take little more than a few minutes with a cold
compress, to turn whatever manhood you have into what looks like a serviceable vagina. However, we strongly disagree
with your contention that all we would need to do is "throw a couple tits on there", to turn you into some kind of a hot
bitch.
The gay friends that you gave as examples of our previous work, the siblings, Mss. Yvonne and Marsha Field, were willing
to accept a fairly high level of unattractiveness. Also, they have been living almost entirely as women for as long as
anyone could remember.
In your case, medical science simply does not have the tools to remediate your appearance whatsoever.
Please accept our wishes of luck to you, and
also great compliments on your spirit!
Sincerely,
Dr. Thoenge Flayler
Bjoinksa-Wanker Clinic
13 May-2003
Benner,
It's mange.
Being around livestock as much as you are, any time you spend
picking off wood ticks is going to pay huge dividends.
Hint - that Cardiff ram buck.
Try some Bag Balm. Your hormones are fine.
MS
p.s. You forgot to wish best of luck to Kerig....
13 May-2003
Hey, speaking of genitalia, I gotta share this odd but true story that happened
last week.
So, I started running again. Not because I need it, but because this hot as shit chick has been
running by every evening for a couple weeks at the same time. Ya gotta do what ya gotta do. I've been
running right out behind her after she passes every night for a week. Way hot ass, and the bouncy
tits, too. She is pleasant and smiles, but, I am working this slowly so as not
to spook her or step into a real shit-hole if you know what I mean.
Now, last couple nights, I've noticed this patch of dry and shitty looking
skin that itches on my left nut. Funny, I'm not left handed, I thought to myself. So,
I gotta get this fixed before I make any moves on the hot
as shit chick runner. Besides I am having discomfort in the running
now.
Doctor says it a patch of dry skin that is overreacting to my hormonal swings. WHAT? Did he say I was
having male menopause? Fuck me. He gives me some
pills that are most likely a salt peter derivative, like they give those sailor
boys on the USS Snatch to keep their peters dry. Fuck that shit. I stash them in a Bayer
bottle.
So, I am putting on my shoes to go run last night when my wife pops in unexpectedly and
I try some good ol' smooth stuff just to keep her satisfied
and non the wiser about my running partner. She complains of the proverbial headache and grabs my
Bayer bottle. Oh shit! Before I can think straight she downs 3 suckers and I
gotta jam before she pukes and blames me for it or something.
Now, I'm catching up to the hot bitch. Just as I
pass I say 'Hello' and watch here turn to smile the rhetorical
compliment. FUCK! She has this huge fucking canker on her lower lip, bigger than
the one on my left nut. My mind briefly flitters with the thought of some huge left nut rubbing
against here face, like some sick dream and pigs
and shit. Now, I'm double fucked. Deflated, I run home and try to act normal.
Funny thing is, the old lady got hot from the pills. I have no idea what they
were, but, no way I'm ever taking any of them. Instead, I'm going to keep throwing them in the Bayer bottle since the old
lady likes them for just about any ailment she has.
Now, if the rash would just go away...
Tales from the Snatch-hood...Bambi-style.
5 Jun-2003
Dave,
On warm days, I try to attend as many these crowded demonstrations, like that pictured, as
possible.
It's an ideal opportunity to walk around bent at the waist, pretend I've lost my contact lens, and get in a little game of
"Bump crotch - sniff sniff".
You have to be careful, though. That guy with the sign is not going to be the only one there with
hairy legs.
And, no, Bambi, doing this at Gay Pride Parades would not
be fun.
Thanks, though.
MS
8 Jun-2003
Dave,
On warm days, I try to attend as many these crowded demonstrations, like that pictured, as possible.
It's an ideal opportunity to walk around bent at the waist, pretend I've lost my contact lens, and get
in a little game of "Bump crotch - sniff sniff".
You have to be careful, though. That guy with the sign is not
going to be the only one there with
hairy legs.
And, no, Bambi, doing this at Gay Pride Parades would not
be fun.
Thanks, though.
MS
20 Jun-2003
Paul,
You've really got to watch the old "Come into my tent and let me help find your center" line Evan uses. Hackett tries to
imitate him but all he says is, "Welcome to the Castro!" Speaking of which, did you see this message Rich sent?
So, I woke up this morning with a splitting headache, looked in the mirror and
saw this disgusting boil just under my right eyebrow; centered right over my eye. Shit, it looked like
a size of a quarter and stuck out like that knot on the old lady's leg after Slackett hit her in the
knee with his happy hooking drive on 9. I could hardly see anything. Fucker was
big, too. The skin was stretched tight over it. It had to be done, I had to pop
the bitch. It hurt like shit, but when it went, it popped like a giant zit. Only, seamen
came out and splattered on the mirror. I was in horror.
Then, I woke up. Fucked up dream.
You were right, Dave.
Fuck Field again and again. I'll sleep better knowing that.
bambi
20 Jun-2003
Paul,
You've really got to watch the old "Come. into my tent and
Let me help find your center" line Evan uses.
Hackett tries to imitate.
him but All he says is, "Welcome to the Castro!" SpeaKing of which, did you see
this message" Rich sent?
20 Jun-2003
This What makes the fuck are no you on, sense,
Bambi? you dickhead!
29 Jun-2003
Why is everyone ending their E-Mails with “Fuck you Phil”? I think all this Phil bashing
of yours sucks. I believe many of you have been unfair to
my good friend Phir Kelig. My second year at Cal I fully
sucked at Physics. I can tell you, if it wasn’t for Phil
I would have flunked, bigtime. Phil is a good golfer, and any foursome at the
Snatch would be lucky to have him on their team (unlike many of you and me
included, that play like the horse’s ass). You all rode
him, with every E-Mail, and it’s just something I don’t want in on. Furthermore, I consider myself
lucky to have a friend as good as Phil. I would
What’s with all this Phil bashing, anyway?
30 Jun-2003
Tom,
Funny how I get picked on by you for writing about my good
friend Phil! Why, I don't care if you take a big shot at me
-but I have always stuck by my friends. Let's leave this negativity
out of the mails and keep these posts clean so even my kids can read them too.
We should all keep this classy, Tom! Oh, by the way, feel
free to buck the Phil bashing trend. I sure
will!
Dave
09-Aug-2003
You know, Phil, every one of the last twenty or so Crabbage Banter's has ended with your name
preceded by and experlative. Damned shame, too. I mean, you take this out on a defenseless sap like
Tommy who may be the only team member you have cum to take pleasure on. Speaking
of loading up, have you had Marshall. on your swing list lately? I
hear if you hit his ball dead center he'll rise
better than a foot on the fairway, and that's without his
spiked shoes. Good hunting on your fist Friday, Phlirr. Butter
up!
Page down....
just kidding..
FUCK KERIG
20-Apr-2003
My goodness! Well, I guess the grocery store strike must be over and everybody's
finally had their Wheaties. Or have we just priced you out of the gasoline market so's you've got
lots of time at home to sit around fondling the keyboards (why do you all type with one hand?). Or,
maybe all the cute gayboys have off and gotten married and there's nobody left to
bugger up yer pretty arseholes. Whatever the cause, please accept my deepest sympathies. About ten
inches deep, that is.
The Jive Aunts on their way to the World Series? What, did they win the hot dog concession? Maybe
that's what Brundt meant by "the smell of a dog", or was it the smell of another famous hotdog on that team. Last
I heard, besobaru was still about winning games, so tell me again why I should
pitch to him? That's just an intelligence test. If you must have a bone, and not just the usual
one up your ass, take it as a grudging sign of respect.
And Snoid, the Ram Bucks moved to Abilene. As if you don't know that, you seem
to stay in close "touch". It does sound like he's feeling better. I think I liked you better as a
vegetable, though.
Say, how those Niners doing these days?
signed,
cast out of Paradise I suppose
07-May-2004
Snatchers,
The attached message below had a hidden message.
-Condoleeza Rice
> From: "Phir Kelig"
> Date: Thu, 6 May 2004 17:25:01 -0500
> To: "David" , "Paul Sarkisian"
> , "Bambigas Patel" ,
> , , "Dave Brandt" ,
> "Dave Lodwig" , , "Gak"
> , "Gary Vought" , "Kent
> Emmons" , "Knavigator Rag" , "M.
> Parshall DuBois" , , "Steve
> Bojkovic" , "Steve Hackett" ,
> , , "Thibley" ,
> "Tom Halbadildo" ,
> Subject: Undelivered Mail Returned to Sender
>
>> -----Original Message-----
>> From: Mail Delivery System [mailto:DAMIAN-DAMIAN-DAMIAN@play.agg.soon]
>> Sent: Friday, April 30, 2004 8:20 AM
>> To: allyoubuttfucking@assholes.com
>> Subject: Undelivered Mail Returned to Sander
>>
>>
>> This is the Dicklix program at host blow.me.hard.
>>
>> I'm sorry to have to inform you that you're a fucking idiot who can't type
> email addresses correctly. Either that or Boink and Floodman are completely
> lost in each others crotches again.
>>
>> For further assistance, please send mail to
>>
>> If you do so, please bend over and grab yer ankles. You can suck your own
> dick if you can reach it from there.
>>
>>> The Dicklix program
>>
>
>
21-Aug-2004
Thanks for the hearty "welcome",
You guys obviously have enough issues to keep this from being a boring trip to Angels Camp.
All of the rules I was expected to digest have already been deleted from my email inbox and it is my hope that I can just break any rule and claim that as a rookie with botanical healing properties I am exempt from having to be accountable. I did remember the rule about being far enough away from the vomitorium to allow one of you unrestricted access. That rule I will abide by.
From the text of the previous emails all of you appear to have deep rooted unresolved issues related to any bodily functions, sex w/ farm animals and all things anal. Evan (aka Rag) has told me this "will be a safe place with a caring group". So I'll be taking a risk and will come to share my collection of used colostomy bags. This collection is very important to me, and includes some antique pieces... I mean feces... that are just irreplaceable. Maybe next year I will bring my smegma collection. It is more "alive" than unpasturized cheese.
Sincerely,
Yarrow, Tucks...or whatever else you'd like to call me
5-Dec-2004
Look assholes, it wasn't me, OK.
I wasn't anywhere near that fat ass when the cloud broke loose and ass-fixiated the booger.
Apparently the article went on to say that he was grossly over weight, bordering on tipping into the
Marshall Scale, when he ate, at one sitting, a 5 lb can of
Stagg's Chile topped with shredded cheese and garlic powder. Whew! No wonder he had it cumin forgot the sacred law of gastric processes; always, always
leave out the cheese unless you want to develop a serious assplug and even more serious gassss. Not withstanding, he also consumed 1g. Stupid bastard6
bottles of Kerig's Glorious Cum Ale. He shortly thereafter passed out and began farting himself to death.
What a way to go.
FK - it's easier.
Bambed
15-May-2005
Hello snatchers bobbio logging on. Count me in for the pre-snatch golfing
adventure at the Antioch Golf and Country Club on Saturday June 6. I cant
wait to play with all you strapping young men! Oh, I forgot Marshall is
not young but he does like to strap one on every chance he gets. I've been
in training for just this opportunity to show you bastards a thing or 2
about this stupid and extremely easy game. I just finished a round over at
pebble beach - the local pro spotted my game and invited me back for some
personal and private lessons. He mentioned something about showing me his
wedge and letting him drive one for me and also asked if my balls needed
washing. Oh by the way there will be no beer drinking at this event I'm on
the south beach diet so please honor this request from one of the most
senior and most respected members of the snatch.
21-Jul-2006
Bambi,
Did you mean???
Bloated? You mean, like a carrion in the river delta that was tits up in the water for eight weeks just before
the crocodiles cum for feast? Or, is it more like the underwear Sark wears during the Snatch tournament that
get a true test while he grunts around with a tree in his shorts? Nah,,it's way more like what
you felt like before you heaved your chummy little load all over the upstairs
screen a couple of years ago at Snatch cabin. Gee, were you wearing that mumu then? Hey,
Kerig would know, he was right behind you at the time.
Well, Phil?
(FK)
Bambd
1-Aug-2006
O lny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was
rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,
it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny
iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it
wouthit a porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I
awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if yuo cna raed tihs
psas it neo !!
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