Crabbage Snatch Open - Evancouver 2010
2010 Eh-Vancouver Winter Olympricks
14-Feb-2010
And good afternoon all. This is Al Michaels reporting from Vancouver and what an event we have for you today: The One Man Splooge Finals. Let's meet the
cum-petitors. Representing Rhagastan, Evan Field...from Turdistan, Paul Sarkisian...from Methania, Bambi Benner...from The Castro, Steve Hackett...from
Jagerbitchlandia, Bobbio Eggleston...from the USA, Dave Brandt...from Chromedomia, Gary Voght...from Lutherinfisksass, Marshall Field...from Equinesodomia,
David Fisk...and rounding out the field (and we DO mean rounding it out) from Sweetrotundaland, David Lodwig.
This is a new event this year. Photos will be displayed to the jackers and they will try to not lose their nut. Remember the last one not to hit full
release wins the gold. The players are in position...all flopped out and. my oh my...the USA team sure has a huge cock!!! AND HACKETT IS DONE
ALREADY!!!
There's the starting bell.
It's a picture of THE CRABBAGE SNATCH TROPHY! Whoa...Brandt's finished! That didn't take long. There goes the USA hopes. Now it's a picture of MR.
ED!!...WOW...look at Fiske spew! Now a photo of Georgie...there goes Bobbio!! Here comes a picture of Anna Kornikova...still looking....still
looking...nothing. What's next? IT'S A PICTURE OF EVAN!!! There goes Marshall, Gary, and Lodwig. We're down to the final 3...it's anyone's game!!!
Here comes the next picture and it's a shot of Friday Night Chili...Whoa...Benner and Sarkisian are both done!! Evan wins the gold!!! Let's go down to the
field for an interview.
Evan...how did you do it?
Well I just kept hoping there wasn't a picture of any 5 year old boys...or one of Marshall. They have a lot in common, you know.
15-Feb-2010
Bob Costas here. It's time for the Men's Downhill. Here are our athletes already on the judging stand: Marhsall, Kerig, and Evan.
Let's watch the action. Here's a look at Marhall in his prime...oh shit look at the gut he later developed...he certainly has gone a LONG way
downhill...wait...Holy Toledo! He's lost his paunch. The ref said get your big ass out of here...AND HE DOES! He's finished!
Up next Phil Kerig...well you really can't go that far downhill when you're THAT short to begin with...and...he's...DONE!!
Now it's Evan...great athelete in school...CSF...scholarships...wait...Oh crap...he's become a lawyer...that's pretty low...wait a sec...what's
this?...the Crabbage Snatch? What a recovery!!! Uh oh...have you seen his Facebook picture? Whoa Nellie...he's certainly gone downhill the most.
Back to you Al.
16-Feb-2010
Al Troutwig: Now let's go out to the field and show you the Men's Biathalon. Who's competing for the gold today Chris?
Chris Collingsworth: Well we have Bokjavic...bi, Crua...bi, Marcos...bi, Gardiser...bi, Timpson...bi, Emmons, bi, and Sibley...complete flamer.
Al: Hey, how'd he get on the team?
Chris: Equal rights...Canada is pretty progressive. And they're off. Look at them go. What action! I've never seen the group move through the course in
such record time.
Al: Except for Sibley...he's bringing up the rear.
Chris: No surprise there.
Al: Look at the Olympic record time! NEVER in the history of these games have they had such an incredible pace. What is going on? They're utterly flyin
to the shooting zone. Look how quickly they are bringing out their rifles. What a breakneck pace!!
Chris: Right you are, Al. Oh, no wonder...look at the target!
Al: It's Hackett's missing CD collection!!
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!!!!!!!
19-Feb-2010
Al Michaels: Well...here we are at the track and we can't wait for the upcoming excitement...the 2-man bobsled. Mother nature has really cooperated and
given us a beautiful day. Here comes our first team Dave Haneline and Frank Miyahara. They look ready to start.
Bob Costas: There's the starting bell. Look at them get off to a great start. Haneline climbed on board in one smooth move and...
Al: Uh...sorry to interrupt, Bob, but isn't Haneline supposed to face front?
Bob: Yes he should Al...maybe this helps with aerodynamics. And in jumps Miyahara!! Look at them go...what the???
Al: Ohhh, that's not right...get a room you two!!!!
Bob:...did these guys not quite understand this event?
Al: Well, Bob, their heads sure are bobbing.
20-Feb-2010
Dick Button here along with Scotty Hamilton at the Men's Ice Dancing. Our first couple will be the team from the USA...Paul "My Turds Have Stretched It
Wide, You Go Girl" Sarkisian and his partner, both on and off the ice Rich "Go Slow, You Don't Want To Ignite A Gas Pocket" Benner. Oh look...their coach
Kent "Threeway On The Highway" Emmons is already standing up.
SH: Actually it looks like he just doesn't want to sit down. He must still be sore from the warm-ups.
DB: We're about to start...strange how they look like they are about to snap a football.....oh...what was I thinking?
SH: Oh, Dick...you silly, kiss kiss!! And they'll be skating to "Il Pene Piccolo di Marrone"
DB: Ooo...my favorite!!
SH: Oh look at their first move...Sarkisian is already in. Why, his skates aren't even on the ice!!
DB: This move was developed at the last Olympics with the team of Field and Field...it's called the "Don't Tell Kristy".
SH: Ok...they've separated but now Benner is on his knees...oh, another move pioneered last year by Field and Field. It's the "Blobrow" !
DB: It celtainry is!
SH: Looks like they're gearing up for the finale. Sarkisian is on his back...uh..."working it up".
DB: This move is an oldie but goodie called "LeBojk".
SH: Why "LeBojk"?
DB: Just look...Sarkisian is a wanker.
SH: I see. And now Benner is sitting down and...what a spin!!! My God....he's really twirling!!!! I've never seen such speed!
KAAAABBBLLLAAAAAAAAAMMMM!!!!!!
DB: Oh LOOK! "Il Pene Piccolo di Marrone"!!!
SH: Yeah...not much left. Oh, Dick...glllmmmmppphhhhhhhhh!!
28-Feb-2010
You Snatchers are fuckin' worthless!! Having trouble writing an event for Evancouver '10? Try this and fill in the blanks:
Here we are at ______ watching the _________ finals. Up first is ________ and ______ and look at them ________! _____ really knows how to _______ with
his brother ________ when they are _________ and _________. It's _________!!! These 2 assholes have been ________ each other since they were ________.
Their dad used to get upset but soon realized that _______ will be ______. Many a summer trip to Spain was paid for when their dad used to charge to have
people watch his boys ________ and ________ while _______. Why, even when they are not performing in this event they practice daily __________ just to keep
their ________ ________.
See how easy it is. Now don't be a bunch of _______, you ______!!!
Dave
ps Fuck ______ (that's an easy one to Phil in)
28-Feb-2010
You Snatchers are fuckin' worthless!! Having trouble writing an event for Evancouver '10? Try this and fill in the blanks:
I don’t know, Dave. It’s pretty complicated…
Here we are at a very controversial event that has been a dark cloud handing over these Olympic Games, watching the Couples Ice
Dancing finals. Up first is Boehner Feld and his elder brother, Moisht of the tiny principality of Lichtenstein and look at them
push the boundaries of good taste and family television! Nobody really knows how to keep Moisht from performing what is clearly going to be the most
disturbing performance at these Olympic Games with his brother Boehner, who is a gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender rights attorney (and you can take
that to mean that he actually IS gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender) when they are clearly willing to sue all the way to the liberal Canadian Supreme
Court to force the Games to allow them to perform their rather disturbing “Das Tanz mit Schpoo” and of course they were willing to blow every elected
official in Lichtenstein to allow them to do it. It's also been a damper on the games because none of the top-rated skaters have been willing to go out
onto the ice after Boehner and Moisht have been on it!!! These 2 assholes have been taking up residences in 23 different countries and living each other
since they were first deported from Japan for their troubling debut at the Sapporo Olympics. Their dad used to get upset but soon realized that there has
been a tragic amount of inbreeding in their extended family for generations. At least Boehner will be taking some sort of care of Moisht, who, besides
the many deformities the brothers both share, also only has the emotional and mental development of a three year old. Many a summer trip to Spain was
paid for when their dad used to charge to have people watch his boys strip down to their soiled under garments and let neighborhood boys cover the lads
with a thick coat of jizzum while Boehner prepared to do what is now their Olympic “act” – laying his senseless brother face down on a slippery surface,
mounting him and then paddling around like a couple penguins on their bellies. Why, even when they are not performing in this event they practice daily by
letting the Gay Men’s Choir (of whatever jurisdiction is providing them protection from prosecution) lather them up just to keep their bellies covered with
a soft, but tough layer of callous. It also provides them with a wide choice of material for their “routines”.
See how easy it is. Now don't be a bunch of lurkers, you misbegotten fucks!!!
Dave
ps Fuck Dave. That’s an easy one for Phil to fall in. (that's an easy one to Phil in)
3-Mar-2010
Closing ceremonies
Hey little brother...don't forget to swallow....zzzzzziiiiiiiipppp.
4-Mar-2010
Yes, this is very easy:
Here we are at Dave's watching the Brandt finals. Up first is Dave and Dave, and look at them Daves! Dave really knows how to Dave with his brother Dave
when they are Dave and Dave. It's Dave!!! These 2 assholes have been Brandting each other since they were Dave. Their dad used to get upset but soon
realized that Dave will be Dave. Many a summer trip to Spain was paid for when their dad used to charge to have people watch his boys Dave and Dave while
Brandting. Why, even when they are not performing in this event they practice daily Brandting just to keep their win/loss record at the Snatch.
See how easy it is. Now don't be a bunch of Daves, you Brandter!!!
Dave
ps Fuck Dave Brandt (that's an easy one to Dave in)
5-Mar-2010
Tom,
Whoa...this IS easy!
Here we are at the Crabbage Snatch watching the 2010 finals. Up first is Gardiser and his love toy from old days at the Pi, Steve Chandler and look at
them cuddle! Sauce really knows how to lock himself into a spoon with his brother Chandler when they are on the tee and grossing out the rest of the
Snatchers with their "waggle". It's something we see on every hole every damned year from these two!!! These 2 assholes have been boffing each other
since they were roommates at the Pi house and helped their parents save money by sharing a bed, showers, and numerous body fluids. Their dads used to get
upset but soon realized that you can't teach an ol' hooker new tricks and that monogomy will be better than the rambunctious and lowly "I'll Blow You If
I Can Join Your Frat" attitude they had during Pledge Week. Many a summer trip to Spain was paid for when their dads used to charge to have people watch
these boys choke on each others cum and pound it deep into their never sore but constantly raw recti while performing in Sproul Plaza. Why, even when they
are not performing in this golfing event they practice daily keggles just to keep their innards toned and ready for action from other willing Snatcher Pi
bitches like Kerig, Field, Sarkisian, Sibley, Schnack, Emmons, Miyahira, Benner, Haneline, and Sarkisian.
See how easy it is. Now don't be a bunch of Pi fags, you know who I'm talking about!!!
Dave
ps Fuck the Dodgers (that's an easy one to Phil in)
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